Seven Divorce Myths

1.      MYTH: The woman always gets the children.

FACT: That may have been true 50 years ago. But in today’s society with mothers and fathers both working outside the home, shared parenting, in some form or another is the most common form of parenting. This is ideal for the children, as it provides them with exposure to both parents, who likely have different interests and parenting styles. Children can only benefit from that.

2.      MYTH: The men always get ripped off.

FACT: It is not unusual for both spouses in a divorce to feel that they have compromised more than the other. It is also very common for men in particular to think that they are paying more of “their” money and property than they should have too. Often men have higher paying jobs then women and as a result, even when there is shared parenting, they end up paying child support, and sometimes spousal support. That often feels like it is more than a 50/50 split of financial resources. In addition, where men are the primary breadwinners, it has often been their income that has resulted in the acquisition of assets, like a house, or savings or investments or R.R.S.P.’s. When men have to share the property that they considered “theirs” before the separation, they feel like they are getting a bad deal. The truth is, that in most divorces, assets and debts are equally divided and both spouses suffer financially.

3.      MYTH: You will hate your ex after the divorce.

FACT: This may be true if you divorce using the Court process. However, the development of Collaboration and Mediation is the legal community’s response to that unfortunate occurrence. If you are able to learn how to divorce and negotiate in a respectful, structured environment, most “exes” are able to continue to respect and appreciate the other. Hatred is born of the process and is a rare result when Collaboration, Mediation or any other respectful negotiation process is used.

4.     MYTH: Children of divorced parents end up in jail and with criminal records.

FACT: When parents divorce responsibly (by staying out of adversarial court rooms) and commit to a respectful resolution process, children of divorced parents fare equally as well in life as children of “in tact families”. The single most destructive element of a divorce to a child is conflict. If the parents are able to manage their conflict respectfully and peacefully, the children will do just fine.

5.      MYTH: It costs a fortune to get divorced.

FACT: Of course, this depends on what you classify as a “fortune”. Guaranteed, however you define “fortune”, engaging in the court process will cost a fortune. Collaboration and Mediation are not “cheap” but generally much more cost efficient than Court. Both spouses need to set aside funds for their professional team when they divorce. It may be one of the most momentous financial decision you have made in your life; why would you chance it by not retaining an experienced team to give you advice? You need to budget for legal fees when you divorce just as you would when you buy a house or incorporate a company. Sometimes you need to use a line of credit or get a loan to pay your legal fees. Most often, if both spouses are focused on something other than fighting (or getting the most or ensuring the other person gets the least), legal fees are reasonable and manageable.

6.      MYTH: You don’t need a lawyer to get divorced.

FACT: You can buy divorce kits and get divorced without ever darkening the door of a lawyer’s office. However, these divorce kits are usually only practical in a very simple divorce. Where there is matrimonial property to be divided, the only way to make your agreements legally binding (in Alberta, Canada, anyways) is for each person to have independent legal advice regarding the property division. Where there is property and you want certainty, a lawyer for each of the spouses is essential. Remember: you get what you pay for!

7.      MYTH: Collaboration and Mediation can work for everyone.

FACT: Collaboration and Mediation do not work for everyone. In cases where there is extreme thinking by one person or where one person is not prepared to compromise at all, Collaboration and Mediation will not work. All it takes is one person to be unwilling to budge. A common rule of thumb is if a person values something more than getting the most or paying as little as possible, then Collaboration or Mediation are worth a try. If the spouses’ highest value is paying as little as possible or getting the most, then Court or Arbitration (where the decision making is taken out of the hands of the participants) will be the only options.

© Marilyn Herrmann

This information was provided as a courtesy by Niblock & Company LLP for information purposes only and should not be taken as legal advice. You should not rely on, or take or fail to take any action based on this information. If you need legal advice, contact Niblock & Company LLP or a lawyer of your choice to obtain advice that is particular to your situation. The provision of this information does not create a solicitor/client relationship.